Home > Andrew's Blogs, Marriage > Falling in Love? Getting Engaged?

Falling in Love? Getting Engaged?

If you’re falling in love and thinking about marriage then you should read this post. Choosing a spouse may be the most important decision one makes in life. Notice, I use the words “falling in love” and “decision” simultaneously – it’s both romance and wisdom that play a part in picking the right spouse. I married up, and it’s God’s grace that I married such a wonderful woman, but I was clueless about picking a spouse.

I’d like to think that if warning signs came early in our relationship, that I would not have married Jill, but I’ll never know that scenario – all went well and we are joyfully married and well adjusted. I think most people waltz into marriage all glassy eyed and should be a bit more smart about who they marry. These two articles will help you – the first uses some humor but is very insightful, the second is a list of conversation topics a couple should work through before they get engaged.

The Rules by Anthony Esolen

(Original Article Here)

1. Don’t marry a woman who likes cats but does not like dogs. You may marry a woman who doesn’t like either, or whose reason for not liking dogs is that one of them bit her when she was a toddler. But a woman who likes cats but does not like dogs will be a Joan Crawford or Jane Wyman. Ronald Reagan married Jane Wyman, and look how sorry he was about that.

2. Don’t marry a man who is neater than you are. You may, however, marry a man who polishes his tools and puts them away after use….

3. Don’t marry anybody, man or woman, who says, “I’m going to call you at eight,” and then leaves you waiting by the phone for an hour. Exceptions can be made for people who are kidnapped by Arabs, or who have epileptic seizures.

4. Don’t marry anybody who insists on a separate bank account, bed, bathroom, vacation, or zip code. It makes no sense to be one flesh and two wallets.

5. Don’t marry a woman who spends more on makeup than she does on food. In general, don’t marry a woman who engages in the sin of reverse gluttony.

6. Don’t marry a man who does not like dogs. Such men do not like children. Don’t marry a man who does not like children. On the other hand, I have known at least one excellent man who thought he didn’t like children, until he had some; seven, I think, at last count. Perhaps the rule may be rephrased: Don’t marry a man whom you cannot imagine rolling on the ground in a wrestling hold, with a Labrador retriever or three children, or hollering on a ferris wheel, with a Labrador retriever or three children.

7. Don’t marry a woman who exercises so frequently that you cannot tell if she is a woman or a very strange looking 13-year-old boy. I’m going out on a line here, but the real purpose of the rule is to determine whether she will mind getting fat, as happens when you are going to have a child. In other words, don’t marry a woman whom you cannot imagine having a child. Do not marry a woman who does not like children.

8. Do not marry a man who treats his mother or his sisters discourteously. As he treats his mother, so will he treat you. But by all means do not marry a man who takes his direction from his mother, or who is ruled by his mother’s ambitions. Mama’s boys are unhappy, and they make their wives unhappy too. So are the mothers of mama’s boys, come to think of it. Unhappy days are here again.

9. Do not marry a woman who sneers at innocent male pastimes, such as football. Such women do not really enjoy the company of men, and after a period soon reached, do not enjoy the company of their own husbands. They are also the most ignorant of what men are really like. You may marry a tomboy, so long as she’s a girlish tomboy and doesn’t take the sport with dreadful seriousness. You may marry a Daddy’s girl, so long as she is not spoiled when it comes to money.

10. Never marry anyone who is secretive about money. Such people are also secretive about sex.

11. Never marry a man who lets you take the initiative in everything. You want a jellyfish, maybe? You want Burt Lancaster instead.

12. Never marry a woman who never lets you take the initiative in anything. You want a porcupine, maybe? You want Maureen O’Hara instead.

13. Never marry a woman who does not laugh at your jokes or your buffoonery. That is one of the nicest ways in which men “serve” women, and women respond by taking delight in the antics. That is why God made impersonators of Marlon Brando, Sean Connery, and Homer Simpson. It may in fact be the principal justification for the existence of Marlon Brando, Sean Connery, and Homer Simpson. This rule is simply an instance of the more general rule that you should never marry a woman who does not genuinely admire you, nor should a woman marry a man whom she does not admire.

14. Never marry anyone who delights in “exposing” you in public. Teasing does not count; in fact, never marry a man who cannot be teased. You can marry a woman who cannot be teased.

15. Never marry a man who is not admired by respectable male friends. The people in the world who know a man best are the men he works and plays with. They know well if he is a cheat, a thug, a loser. You may marry a man who does not have female friends. If anything, you should be suspicious of a man whose friends are principally female. The men may be avoiding him, and there is a reason for that.

16. Never marry anyone who is not interested in looking at your fourth-grade yearbook. This means: never marry anyone who seems unaware that he or she is marrying also a family, a hometown, a past, silly friends, comedies and tragedies. Never marry anyone who does not want to meet your father and mother. If your sister doesn’t like him, dump him. If your sister doesn’t like her, dump her. That is why God created sisters. Their approval, however, is not a sufficient condition; they will occasionally like losers, but they almost never detest good marrying material.

17. Never marry a feminist of either sex. That would be as bad as marrying someone with the soul (not the occupation, but the soul) of a lawyer.

18. Never marry anyone whom you catch in a lie, even a little one. Trust us on this one. People in love are about the most gullible creatures on God’s green earth. In fact, beside the dictionary entry on “gullible” there’s a picture of a woman in love, eyes looking dreamily upward, hands holding her chin; and a picture of an indignant young man defending the honor of his beloved, who would never do such a thing, no sir!

19. Never marry a woman who does not like to feed people, or a man who does not like to help out with the removal of a junked car, regardless of how much he knows about junked cars. By all means marry a woman who enjoys seeing men eat, or a man who looks at a mudslide and says, “I can make a really fine wall out of that.”

20. Never marry anyone, man or woman, who scoffs at virtue, who reduces “good” and “evil” to arbitrary counters in the war of all against all, whose humor is flippancy, who looks down upon janitors and maids, who cannot delight in making simple things (like a batting T or a thank-you note), who thinks tradition is old and shopworn (such people are followers of every fad that comes), and who is never, ever, just relaxed, grateful for a shady seat under the maple tree in fall. That is another way of saying that you should never marry anyone who does not know who God is.

Topics for Conversation When a Man and a Woman Are Considering Marriage by John Piper

(Original Article Here)

In each of these sections one item could be added that I have not listed, namely, How do you handle and live with differences? How do you decide what can remain differences without jeopardizing the relationship? So as you deal with each subheading, include that in the discussion.

Theology

  • What do you believe about . . . everything?
  • Perhaps read through the Desiring God Affirmation of Faith to see where each other is on various biblical doctrines.
  • Discover how you form your views. What is the reasoning-believing process? How do you handle the Bible?

Worship and Devotion

  • How important is corporate worship? Other participation in church life?
  • How important is it to be part of a small accountability/support group?
  • What is the importance of music in life and worship?
  • What are your daily personal devotional practices? Prayer, reading, meditation, memorization.
  • What would our family devotions look like? Who leads out in this?
  • Are we doing this now in an appropriate way: praying together about our lives and future, reading the Bible together?

Husband and Wife

  • What is the meaning of headship and submission in the Bible and in our marriage?
  • What are expectations about situations where one of you might be alone with someone of the opposite sex?
  • How are tasks shared in the home: cleaning, cooking, washing dishes, yard work, car upkeep, repairs, shopping for food, and household stuff?
  • What are the expectations for togetherness?
  • What is an ideal non-special evening?
  • How do you understand who and how often sex is initiated?
  • Who does the checkbook—or are there two?

Children

  • If and when, should we have children? Why?
  • How many?
  • How far apart?
  • Would we consider adoption?
  • What are the standards of behavior?
  • What are the appropriate ways to discipline them? How many strikes before they’re . . . whatever?
  • What are the expectations of time spent with them and when they go to bed?
  • What signs of affection will you show them?
  • What about school? Home school? Christian school? Public school?

Lifestyle

  • Own a home or not? Why?
  • What kind of neighborhood? Why?
  • How many cars? New? Used?
  • View of money in general. How much to the church?
  • How do you make money decisions?
  • Where will you buy clothes: Department store? Savers? In between? Why?

Entertainment

  • How much money should we spend on entertainment?
  • How often should we eat out? Where?
  • What kind of vacations are appropriate and helpful for us?
  • How many toys? Snowmobile, boat, cabin?
  • Should we have a television? Where? What is fitting to watch? How much?
  • What are the criteria for Movies and theater and video/DVD? What will our guidelines be for the kids?

Conflict

  • What makes you angry?
  • How do you handle your frustration or anger?
  • Who should bring up an issue that is bothersome?
  • What if we disagree both about what should be done, AND whether it is serious?
  • Will we go to bed angry at each other?
  • What is our view of getting help from friends or counselors?

Work

  • Who is the main breadwinner?
  • Should the wife work outside the home? Before kids? With kids at home? After kids?
  • What are your views of daycare for children?
  • What determines where you will locate? Job? Whose job? Church? Family?

Friends

  • Is it good to do things with friends but without fiancé, or without spouse?
  • What will you do if one of you really likes to hang out with so and so and the other doesn’t?

Health and Sickness

  • Do you have, or have you had any, sicknesses or physical problems that could affect our relationship? (Allergies, cancer, eating disorders, venereal disease, etc.)
  • Do you believe in divine healing and how would prayer relate to medical attention?
  • How do you think about exercise and healthy eating?
  • Do you have any habits that adversely affect health?
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  1. Donalda
    June 13, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    I am not even Christian and I agree with most of these admoniitions. However, feminism is actually a good thing, and I would add never marry a man who is a chauvanist. Who scoffs at women having a brain as big as a man’s. While obviously men and women are different, we are actually more alike than we are different and the cult of super masculinity and super femininity have harmed more people than they have done good. Not every man was born with a screw driver in his hand and a love of sports and beer even if on average most men are like this. I respect individuals and admire as much the man who loves football and all that traditionally boy stuff as I do the artistic type of man who loves to paint and read. Never marry anyone who is too rigid.

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