Parenting Teenagers, Part 2

Yesterday I began posting my recent series on parenting teenagers. Specifically, I gave my understanding of the purpose of parenting: to produce biblically wise adults. Today I want to continue to develop this purpose to counter a popular form of parenting: behavior control.

Many parents approach parenting, especially parenting teenagers, with the goal of “behavior control.” That is, many parents simply want to keep their children from certain behaviors (such as failing out of school, doing drugs, or getting pregnant). When a parent approaches their parenting in this manner, they may accomplish their goal, but they will most likely fail on the larger goal of creating biblically wise adults.

Let me give you an example. Most parents do not want to see their teenage daughters get pregnant. This is certainly a noble goal. However, if my goal in parenting is behavior control, then there are many ways in which I could accomplish the goal of keeping my daughter from getting pregnant. Here are two: 1) I could isolate my daughter so that she doesn’t come in contact with boys, or 2) I could put my daughter on the pill so that she can have sex but not get pregnant. Do these options accomplish the goal of keeping my daughter from getting pregnant? Yes. Do these options accomplish the goal of creating a biblically wise adult? No.

When we parent to behavior control we are not instilling biblical wisdom. In the example above, we have done nothing to teach about God’s view of sexuality and sex, we have done nothing to foster a concern for purity, we have done nothing to equip her for when she is off at college alone!

I believe that behavior control is effective for infants and very young children. But as they begin to develop toward adolescence, we must move from behavior control and move toward a parenting style that will teach and create a biblically wise adult.

There are two very important quotes that you should read. They will make this post rather long, but they make my point better than I can:

“The goal of parenting is not behavior control. It is not merely to produce well-mannered children. It is not to teach our kids socially commendable behavior. It is not to make them polite and respectful. It is not to make them obedient. It is not to get them to perform to our approval. It is not to conform them to a moral standard. It is not to give us, as parents, something to be proud of…The ultimate goal and proper focus of Biblical parenting is redemptive…Don’t just teach your children external self-control; train them to understand temptation and resist it. Don’t just teach them manners; teach them why pride is sinful and why greed, lust, selfishness, and covetousness dishonor God. Punish them for external offenses, but teach them that the root issue is always a deeper problem – corruption of their hearts. When you correct them, don’t do it merely to satisfy you as the offended, irritated, frustrated parent. That’s anger; it’s vengeance. But when you correct them, help them to se that it is first of all God who has been offended and that He offers reconciliation through Jesus Christ.” (John MacArthur, Successful Christian Parenting, 148ff)

“Most parents I have worked with have this goal: to get their children to do what is right. Their goal is to control, direct, or guide the behavior of their children. To them, this is the heart of Christian parenting. So John, who has gotten poor grades, is forbidden to watch television until his grades are better, and Sue, who didn’t return her sister’s blouse after she borrowed it without asking, is told that she cannot borrow anyone’s clothes for six weeks. Solutions? Yes, outwardly, but no change of heart…We need to ask why Sue thinks it is her right to take the possessions of others without permission and with no sense of obligation to return them. What is it about the way she thinks about herself and others that makes this acceptable to her conscience? It is not enough to place behavioral boundaries around her. Our goal is to be used by God to expose and nurture the hearts of our children so that they want to behave in ways that please the Lord.” (Paul David Tripp, Age of Opportunity, 48ff)