Premarital Foundations

When ever a couple comes to me to get married, they get the same basic talk. This letter represents at a high level what kind of things are important. Read it and tell me what you think. Help me out by telling me if you think your premarital counseling was below average, average or above average, and why.

Jim & Susan:(not their real names)

Don’t worry about the building and the date – that is not a primary concern on my end. When we meet and we all feel comfortable moving forward, then we can firm up the building and date. For now I’ll make sure it’s penciled in so that it is not a concern for you.

Let me talk about the big picture since we have not had the chance to meet yet. I have this discussion early on with couples so that every thing is clear.

The most important thing you need to understand is that the focus of our ministry to couples who want to get married is intense, and not all Churches are the same. Most couples spend all their time looking at the wedding ceremony and the reception. Yes, these are special moments that a bride dreams about and looks forward to, but my primary focus is the strength of the relationship going into the marriage. I lean heavily toward laying a foundation for marriage, and if that foundation is not properly placed, the couple will have trouble which may lead to divorce.

Most churches will marry just about anybody – but we have a higher standard because of our high view of marriage and what God expects of us.

The ceremony and the celebration are secondary in my mind, the foundation is most important. Think of it this way – If you have ever watched extreme home makeover – they have a big celebration when they turn over the house to the family. Let’s imagine that they build the house with a poor foundation and it will most likely fall down in a year or two. What good is a big celebration if in a couple of years the house falls down? It would be a big party and a sham.

The same is true of marriage. What good is a big fancy wedding ceremony if the foundation for the marriage is not properly put in place? What good is a beautiful ceremony if in a couple of years the marriage ends in trouble? Now, no one ever plans that their marriage will end in trouble, but very few are prepared for what difficulties marriage will bring. Marriage is hard and fraught with many pot holes, and detours. My goal is to prepare the couple for it all – especially after the honey moon period wears off. My goal is to set a couple on a course that gives them the greatest hope for a life long commitment.

I challenge every couple as they enter marriage – I challenge couples to steer away from just focusing on the wedding day and push them to focus on the marriage relationship.

Some of the things that we will talk about in marriage counseling:

• The true purpose of marriage as God intended
• Roles of Husband & Wife
• The context where a marriage is strengthened and survives – the community of believers
• Sexuality: God’s design for sexual intimacy within marriage context only (this is where many couple get hung up – they do not want to give up sexual intimacy before marriage, and it is required as well as significant for a lasting marriage and a healthy sexuality in marriage)
• The greatest attack on your marriage will be . . .
• How to work through conflict in healthy ways

So this (above) reflects my first talk that I have with couples.

My landing point is this:

• If the couple wants to build a foundation for a lasting marriage – then I’m their man.
• If the couple wants a quick ceremony, then they should ask some one else to marry them.
• Some of the requirements
  • No sexual intimacy before marriage and taking significant steps to insure this
  • Church attendance during the process (and hopefully after)
  • Five or more premarital sessions
  • Two books to be read by both parties
  • One follow up postwedding counseling session

Please review this as a couple and then let’s interact about it all.

Pastor Andrew